i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
