he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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