Got a toothbrush?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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