Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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