"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
