she woke up with a sticky ear
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
