I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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