What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
