Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
