Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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