Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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