can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
