dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
