There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
