life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
