I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
