I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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