dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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