what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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