What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
