Jerry, you need to find god
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
