True but thats because hes a fetus.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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