The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
