So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
