I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
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