you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
