also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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