I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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