It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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