In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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