Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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