Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
