remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
