4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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