If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
