they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
