apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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