if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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