standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
