So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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