just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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