Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
