my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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