I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
