life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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