my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The uberlube is also flammable
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
