I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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