guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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