i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
