Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
