Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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